Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Thank You, Choo Choo Charlie!! You've Given Me Reason .... TO TAKE ON THE WORLD!!

Prior to Choo Choo Charlie's arrival at Notre Dame, I had, deep down inside, despite my outward suave and sophistication, come to accept my reality.

I was an unemployed and unemployable 325 lb. monstrosity. I could barely extricate myself out of my measly apartment, and on humid days, the expansion of the wood frame barred my egress. Even when I got out, I could only walk a few hundred feet before needing a rest. My only form of transportation, the tricked-out Geo Metro, which I thought would generate dates from women and envy from men, elicited only derision and contempt.

My hairstyle, once the height of fashion amongst indoor soccer stars and Manhattan fashionistas, and demonstrative of my motto: all business up front, party in the back, had become yet another cause for snickers behind my ample back.

I was dim. I knew this.

I was assaulted by federal agents and undercover NSA operatives, acting at the best of Big Head Sparty and Karl Rove, who also hit me with abhorrent prank phone calls in the middle of the night and even stole some of my artwork.

For the past eight years, my only escape has been to crawl into a Nyquil/Vicodin-induced haze. Only then, my troubles slipped away. B-1 Bob and Ty Willie, great men that they were, could not lead Notre Dame to greatness, a greatness which in bygone eras under earlier coaches, had boosted me to concomitant heights.

But ohhh, CHOO CHOO CHARLIE, the Genius Robot, has changed it all. For at least 3 months every year for the forseeable future, I can have REAL, unfettered JOY!! I can jump and jiggle on Saturdays (and not because I'm being chased by local street toughs to catcalls of "Shamoo"). No, the Robot has made being a drunken Irishman screaming for the Lads no longer pathetic. I'm not pitied. I'm DESPISED!! And in being despised, the ladies will find my substantiality magnetic!!

Thank you, Choo Choo Charlie!! You've given my darkened and sad existence hope and exhuberance!! You've given me reason to go on, and prove to the world....I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!! I'm a GIGANTIC LOVE MACHINE on the prowl!! Notre Dame, Choo Choo Charlie the Genius Robot and me ... TAKING OVER THE UNIVERSE!! You are going DOWN, Sparty/Rove and the College Football World!!

M E O W and GLORY!!

The Genius Robot Answer College Football World about Bowls

I received yet another HEATED email from loose cannon purportedly representing the "College Football World." Here it is:

"Marco: How DARE Notre Dame even consider a BCS bowl with two losses. There is a team from Oregon with only one loss who is more deserving. HOW DARE YOU??!!?? We in the college football world are entitled to answers and the truth to how ND can be considered for a BCS bowl?? Signed, The College Football World (p.s. Pee Wee Peet says his last name is spelled C-A-R-R-O-L-L, not C-A-R-O-L and is NOT a girl's name, and he also says that his height is within the AMA's range of 'normal'.")

I have grown weary of the hatred and jealousy of the college football world ("CFW") toward Notre Dame since the arrival of Choo Choo Charlie Weis, the Genius Robot Savior ("CCCWGRS"). As a result, I forwarded the missive from the CFW to CCCWGRS for response. CCCWGRS provided the following response, a call back to a bye-gone posting....

FROM: CHARLIE WEIS, GENIUS ROBOT
TO: COLLEGE FOOTBALL WORLD
RE: YOUR DEMAND FOR THE TRUTH re BOWLS


Dear College Football World:

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

We live in a world that has bowls. And those bowls have to be filled by teams with fans. Who's gonna do it?? You?? You, BCS Commissioner Weiberg?? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Oregon and you curse the Irish. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Oregon’s plight, while tragic, probably saved bowls. And ND’s existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves bowls

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at conference parties, you WANT me in that bowl. You NEED me in that bowl. We use words like honor, code, loyalty ... We use these words as the backbone to a century spent building something. You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to men who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very bowls I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you build your own national following and get your own national TV contract. Either way, I don't give a DARN what you think you are entitled to!!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Let the Od(d)essy Begin

My tricked-out, raised (for weight distribution) 4x4 1993 Geo Metro (with rear and passenger seats removed for girth, and FLAMES painted on the side, signifying Zibby-type speed) is packed. I'm mentally focused for the trip. I'm about to set out for Tempe Arizona, home of the Sun Devils and soon to be home the Sons of Erin!! The lads will take over the desert, and I shall ensure that all is ready for their arrival. They need CLEAN SHEETS at the hotel and PLENTY OF TROPICANA ORANGE JUICE and the Genius Robot needs a place for tune ups and the like!! I shall ensure the preparations. It will take a lot of hard work to get Tempe ready for the lads and the robot genius, but I shall get it done.

If anyone else is there, and if you see me zoom by in the craft below, at top speeds of up to 23 mph, PLEASE STAY OUT OF THE WAY....I am likely on important missions to obtain either masseuses for the lads or sheet metal workers for the genius. However, friendly toots of the horn will earn you a smile and a wave (and angry toots of the horns will earn you a beat down behind the Chevron). See you all in the desert, where we will have either BUCKEYE STEW or DUCK a L'FIESTA for New Year's Day After Dinner!!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

CONGRATS to the Lads and their fearless leader, the GENIUS ROBOT

What an effort!! These lads never say die ... because their leader IS NOT MORTAL!!

The tree was CHOPPED!! The Heathens were allowed, for a brief moment, to believe that they could compete with good, God-fearing peoples ... and then we RIPPED THEIR HEARTS OUT and laughed as they stared at their own bloodied, beating pumpers, splayed on the turf.

The only thing that slowed the robot was a minor silicon leak eminated from his robot nostrils. KDub will get the engineers on that and patch work is being done on the plane ride back to South Bend.

Glory. Glory. Glory. I SHALL see you all in Tempe. I will gladly fight anyone who desires to take me on.

The following are NOT REASONABLY SUBJECT TO ANY DISPUTE!!

(1) Brent Musberger is the GREATEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER .... EVER!!

(2) The CBS college football music MAKES ALL THAT HEAR IT WILD AND CRAZY...DA....DAH DAH DAH......DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH.....DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH!!

(3) The last 15 minutes of Unforgiven is simply the greatest bit of filmaking, dialogue and message EVER PUT TO CELOPHANE (at least since Trojans came out with MAGNUMS).

(4) Philadelphia=America

(5) The Filthy Rich have too much money

(6) The poor must be cared for better than what we, as world citizens, have done

(7) The airport at Teluride is SCAREY TO LAND AT DURING A SNOWSTORM (if the storm hits just as you're landing, otherwise they send you to Montrose)

(8) I am troubled by Lazytown, on a number of levels, none of which I can discuss while the NSA is monitoring my communications

(9) Hayden's Surprise Symphony actually does surprise me

(10) Nothing beats a roaring fire on a dark, cold night

(11) BA had to know that they were going to drug him every episode to get him on a plane

(12) Napoleon's military genius and creativity is, as yet, still unmatched

(13) When life serves you a sh!t sandwich, take a bite with a wink and a smile, then SPIT IT OUT IN A FURY AND FIGHT BACK WITH EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT

(14) The greatest education anyone can ever get in this world is to make your living as a ticket scalper

(15) Wine, Goldfish (TM), Vicodin and Nyquil PROVES there is a God

(16) The Spanish word "ocho" is funny on many levels

(17) Your childern are Angels

(18) Asparagus really does make your pee smell bad

(19) We can never thank our military men and women who've served us overseas enough for what they have done for us, in particular, over the past 4 years.

(20) We all have greatness within us. But the great is the enemy of the good. And sometimes, good is better than great.

(21) I own Pee Wee Peet.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Fiesta Bowl: Cradle of Champions

"It's gonna be great for both of us to be somewhere where we can REALLY win next year!!'