Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Thank You, Choo Choo Charlie!! You've Given Me Reason .... TO TAKE ON THE WORLD!!

Prior to Choo Choo Charlie's arrival at Notre Dame, I had, deep down inside, despite my outward suave and sophistication, come to accept my reality.

I was an unemployed and unemployable 325 lb. monstrosity. I could barely extricate myself out of my measly apartment, and on humid days, the expansion of the wood frame barred my egress. Even when I got out, I could only walk a few hundred feet before needing a rest. My only form of transportation, the tricked-out Geo Metro, which I thought would generate dates from women and envy from men, elicited only derision and contempt.

My hairstyle, once the height of fashion amongst indoor soccer stars and Manhattan fashionistas, and demonstrative of my motto: all business up front, party in the back, had become yet another cause for snickers behind my ample back.

I was dim. I knew this.

I was assaulted by federal agents and undercover NSA operatives, acting at the best of Big Head Sparty and Karl Rove, who also hit me with abhorrent prank phone calls in the middle of the night and even stole some of my artwork.

For the past eight years, my only escape has been to crawl into a Nyquil/Vicodin-induced haze. Only then, my troubles slipped away. B-1 Bob and Ty Willie, great men that they were, could not lead Notre Dame to greatness, a greatness which in bygone eras under earlier coaches, had boosted me to concomitant heights.

But ohhh, CHOO CHOO CHARLIE, the Genius Robot, has changed it all. For at least 3 months every year for the forseeable future, I can have REAL, unfettered JOY!! I can jump and jiggle on Saturdays (and not because I'm being chased by local street toughs to catcalls of "Shamoo"). No, the Robot has made being a drunken Irishman screaming for the Lads no longer pathetic. I'm not pitied. I'm DESPISED!! And in being despised, the ladies will find my substantiality magnetic!!

Thank you, Choo Choo Charlie!! You've given my darkened and sad existence hope and exhuberance!! You've given me reason to go on, and prove to the world....I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!! I'm a GIGANTIC LOVE MACHINE on the prowl!! Notre Dame, Choo Choo Charlie the Genius Robot and me ... TAKING OVER THE UNIVERSE!! You are going DOWN, Sparty/Rove and the College Football World!!

M E O W and GLORY!!

9 Comments:

At 7:35 AM , Anonymous anonymous said...

Brilliant.

 
At 4:34 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marco, I can't contain myself any longer. Your writing has moved me to the point where I can no longer suppress my feelings for you.

I'm a 450 lb. Irish lovin' gal from PW looking for my soulmate to spend Saturday afternoons cheering on the lads.

Please don't keep me waiting!

 
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