Saturday, December 31, 2005

To those who want to know where I'll be during the Feist-ivities...

Of course, there shall be the pre-game fights in the basement of the ASU Athletic Department, beneath Sun Devil Stadium, outside the weightroom.

Other than that, well, I’ll be around in the dark—I’ll be everywhere. Wherever you can look—wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beating up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be there in the way guys yell when they’re mad. I’ll be there in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry, and they know supper’s ready, and when people are eatin’ the stuff they raised, and livin’ in the houses they built, I’ll be there, too. And I'll be there in the way a robot takes a moment to recognize powerful emotions in people, emotions He can now feel in himself. I'll be there as Ohio State fans get lost trying to get out of the Stadium. Whenever a bottle of Nyquil is tipped back and the green nectar flows in joy, I'll be there. Yes, there shall I be, and more, for I cover a great deal of real estate in my density.

I'll show my Temper in Tempe, but things shall be Festive at the Fiesta. The New Year shall bring great joy to the Irish, as the 100 game undefeated run opens the year with win #6 in a row. Put it in stone.

ND 130 Ohio State 0

Friday, December 30, 2005

More Dumbness wafting out of Ohio.

Wow. Ohio is a REALLY dumb state, and it looks like most of the dumbness is centered in and around Columbus. Some evidence.

  1. Look at Ohio professional sports team names. Is there a state, other than Ohio, who's sports fan populace is SO DUMB that they must include advisements on the appropriate colors to wear to support the team - IN THE TEAM NAME?? For gosh sakes. The Browns. The Reds. Most recently, the Ohio powers that be not only felt it necessary to remind dumb Ohioans what color to wear to support their local hockey team, but also to remind them that if it's hockey season, it's probably cold, so the dumb fans needed to be told not only what color wear, but also what sort of outerwear was appropriate to avoid potential frostbite, thus the name Columbus Blue Jackets was born. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. There is one team name I do approve of, though. The Arena Football League Columbus Destroyers. I wish fans would follow through on that one.
  2. Look at the name of the state capital city. Columbus. NEWS FLASH to you Ohio Dummies ... Christopher Columbus DID NOT LAND ANYWHERE NEAR OHIO!!
  3. Fully 50% of all assassinated US Presidents were born in Ohio (one killed by a Michigan man, no less).
  4. The Ohio state beverage is tomato juice (now we know the inspiration for the DUMMIES in the old V-8 commercials).
  5. The state name was intentionally formed to make it easy to spell, using only syllables that the then-government felt confident the populace could pronounce properly (although the state was originally going to be named "Moohio", the founders feared the extra consonant would cause too much grief and consternation among the populace, so they stuck with the easy to remember, only two sounds, one repeated twice, O-Hi-O.
I could go on, as evidence of Ohio dumbness abounds. But enough about them. Perhaps the Robot Genius will undertake a massive re-education initiative after the thorough dismantling the Irish lay upon the ChuckPies.

Sparty, my old friend, you need help.

You are my hated enemy. You and your minions (or are you their minion??) have tormented me lo these last few years. Yes, you've done some horrific things to me. The late night crank calls. The theft of my artwork from my apartment while I slept, my heaving snoring providing the cover for the pounding and scratching during the larceny. The sickening violations of my personal space and hygenic products. Your tortuous spells and potions, which, yes, left me praying for an ambulance at your abode. I do indeed hate you.

Yet, noone can deny we did great things when our interests were aligned. We made the world a safer place. In thinking about those carefree times, I see you now. A tattered shell of what you once were. Booze, crank and European music have taken their toll. The people who surround you now won't tell you. But I will. Sparty, my hated enemy, but once dear friend, you are destroying yourself. Get help. Call your sponsor. Please.

Thursday, December 29, 2005


The equipment manager for ND has SECRETLY smuggled the TOP SECRET, NSA approved NEW UNIFORMS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH LADS for the Fiesta Bowl.

Today, the practiced in them. The Verdict: ... FREAKING AWESOME!! I've been able to obtain, via NSA double agent informers, photos of the lads practicing in the Uniforms that will be unveiled on 1-02-06:

And we should all take a moment to thank one of the ND Blocking Dummies, who made the ultimate sacrifice, as reflected in the photo above, who, upon being tackled by Tom Zbikowski, BURST INTO FLAMES AND IMMOLATED IN A FIERY DEATH!! THAT is what Ohio Late has in store for them. I almost feel pity for them.

ND and the Genius Robot ... Destination.....GLORY!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

First Play from Scrimmage against the YuckPies

My inside sources have given me a peek into ND's game plan for the Fiesta Bowl. I could not get past the first play. Because I am still working to fix some security leaks regarding apparent public accessibility of this site, I can only give you broad strokes. However, that first play involves: A Predator Drone, 3 midgets, Aleister Crowley-congured spells, a gallon of pig fat and 24 dollars worth of beads. It shall be glorious, and after that first play, Sun Devil Stadium will be littered with the tattered remains of the OSU team and a wee bit of BM from Dandy Jim Tressel.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I've Hit the Mother Lode!!

Oh, what a Christmas season for giving it is!!

On Christmas day, I was walking to the 7-11 down the corner, when one of the corner regulars stops me, knowing that I'm an ND fan, and says he's got a line on a Fiesta Bowl ticket. He says if I pick him up a carton of Winstons and a couple of Mickeys, he'll GIVE THEM TO ME!! Well, that's an offer I don't have to hear twice. I run inside, pick up the smokes and the big mouths, grab a couple of bottle's of Nyquil to enhance the Christmas light experience, along with some Goldfish(TM) and a Soap Opera Digest.

Well, my end of the bargain fulfilled, I return to my friend. And gosh darnit if he doesn't deliver the goods, right then and there, AS PROMISED!! Here is my ticket....TO GLORY my friends:

I shall party with my Irish brethren in Tempe!! The Geo is gassed and loaded. See you all there!!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

His willingness to help out a good cause knows no bounds.

"Lump of Coal for Pee Wee Peet, Envy for the rest of the College Football World, Glory for ND"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I want to thank everyone for the Christmas cards and Holiday best wishes.

Except for you, Sparty and Rove. The Photocard was inappropriate and frankly demeans you and all that we went through together. I can put up with the prank phone calls, the moving around the stuff in my apartment while I sleep. Even the blatant theft of objects d'art will not scar me or my postal carrier.

However, this Photocard you sent, of both of you, stripped to your bloomers, sharing a mask-free moment together, whilst attempting to mock me was beyond the pale -- and I choose that word intentionally. You're making the Ohio Laters look reasonable.


Thursday, December 15, 2005


Two thousand years ago the proudest boast was "civis Romanus sum." Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is "Ich bin ein Domer." All free-thinking men, wherever they may live, are fans of the Irish, and, therefore, as a free-thinking man, I take pride in the words "Ich bin ein Domer!"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

oh, and by the way, college football world....ND's RECRUITING CUP RUNNETH OVER!!

The amalgam of talent the genius is accumulating is.... STUNNING!!

They've got character. They've got grades. They've got heart. They've got competitive spirit. And the have MADD SKEELZZ!!



Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I have GRAVE concerns about ND's matchup with Ohio State!!

I've just returned from the secure bunker, having watched every second of each Ohio Late game this season, as well as a number of episodes of Hogan's Heroes (because Dandy Jim Tressel clearly takes his leadership cues from Col. Klink).

The most important benefits of any bowl game are: (1) improving as team by facing top quality competition and (2) improving your final ranking. Here are my concerns. This high school-esqe team that we're playing will do NEITHER!! We will depants these silly Puck-Thighs, on National TV, and it will be the equivalent of beating the Little Sisters of the Poor ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! O-Pie-o Slate has got to be the WORST team in all of college football. I mean, these guys are DUMB DUMB DUMB, and Genius Robot will have his way with them.

Who is calling their plays?? A five year old with an X-box?? Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Prediction: Midway through the second quarter, with the score ND 63 Yuckeyes 0, Dandy Jim will, fists clenched, yell across the field.... "HHHHOOOOOOGGGGGAAAAANNNNN!!" Little will he know, that by then, the Genius Robot will be dancing his victory dance, below Dandy Jim's feet, in a WiCKED COOL TUNNEL, whilst wining and dining the buxomy Helga, and chuckling at the ineptitude of those silly Ohio Nazis.

Final Score ND 108 ChuckPies 0.

I can only hope the pollsters don't hold the Ohio Late ineptitude against us.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Well, HERE IT IS!!

Bt popular demand, just in time for the Holidays, as recorded by Don McLean:

Bye, bye Misters Davie and Ty

Unfortunately, I was not able to get the recording artist Don McLean, but instead got former UCLA basketball great Don McLean.

I've forwarded the track to music industry executives who've advised they've never head anything like it before, and one was so smitten by the song that she said "I'll never be able to listen to the original again."

HOLY COW!! They're onto us!!

I finally slipped into a deep, deep state of unconsciousness last night, with some help, after worrying about possible rising unemployment rates, instability in the Far East, and Fruit Loops' decision to reduce its sugar content by 25%, when, all of a sudden, I was rousted by three big NSA guys, blindfolded, hogtied, and carried off to a nondescript white van, where I was drugged and taken to an undisclosed location.

I regained my senses, strapped to a stainless steel back board, a bright dentists' flouresent light blazing into my eye. From behind me, a familiar disembodied voice pelted me with the same old questions, as had happened dozens of times before .... "How long have you been a member of the Wobblies??" "Where are you getting your dead-on balls accurrate information about the Fitzgerald investigation??" "Where are the detonators??" "How did you get Sparty's home number??" "Who is your velvet supplier??" etc. etc. etc.

But then came a new voice, kind of whiney, kind of desperate. I could swear it was Lllloyd Carrrr. New questions. A sense of fear from the speaker .... "How do you know about Choo Choo Charlie??" "Who designed him??" "Who wrote the code??" "Can he be replicated??"

As per ususal, I was too tough for their tricks, or their torture, and revealed nothing but misinformation and deception. But it is clear to me that the college football world is onto Choo Choo CHarlie, the Robot Genius, and will now do ANYTHING to either try to steal his secret code and hardware specs, or else, they will try to destroy him. It also appears that this secure, encrypted website might have a wormhole flaw. I thought I had patched the NSA intrusion, but it looks like we might have to go back to CODE BLUE.


Friday, December 09, 2005

Here's what comes forth when I'm drinkin on a Friday Night...

We play this game, we drive, we score
We play this game, we hit, we war
Explosiveness on the Offense
Intransigence on the Defense

We watch this game, we scream, we cheer
We watch this game, we cry, we tear
In our own glory, we gladly gloat
In our foe’s fall, we find fault

The clock shines bright, yellow numbers not still
As it ticks down, we count it out to nil
It's winner today, loser tomorrow
In winning is joy, in losing sorrow

But in that other game, we can’t see the clock
Timekeeper keeps his secret with his rock
The score’s obscur'd; what is to win or lose??
Zero: did we play or was it a ruse??

I just awoke from the MOST GLORIOUS DREAM...

Karl doing the perp walk....

Or was it a dream??.....

The Final Piece of the Gameplan Has Been Installed....

The victory dance. Yes, we shall party in Tempe like it's 1989!! (I was dreaming when I wrote that, so forgive me if it went astray)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I am a big Woody Hayes fan.

Here is his "Major Megaton Moment" from the Gator Bowl vs. Clemson

I still think Woody Hayes was a great coach, and was a mentor to (and beloved by) our own Lou Holtz.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I've been INUNDATED with emails from Puck-Sigh fans

complaining about me calling them Ohio Late fan even said "Oh yeah, well your dumb to." Thanks for the responses, Buck-Thighs. One common thread in many of the emails was calling me out for referring to them as "Ohio State" or OSU. They all kept saying we're THE Ohio State University, tOSU for short. I must say, this threw me for a bit. I could not understand why the definitive article, "the," which is normally used to signify that what follows is unique within a set, is used to introduce Ohio State University. It did not seem necessary to me.

Well, I did a little research, and here is what I learned. Apparently, a long, long time ago, like 40 years ago, Ohio State actually fielded a competitive football squad. It seems wild today to think that is possible, but yes, it's true. Well, back in the day, football was important on Saturdays in Ohio, you know, before Euchre took over the state. Anyway, back then, apparently every Saturday morning, there was a huge rush, of tens of the thousands of Ohioans, SWARMING their local public libraries. Thousands upon thousands, lines out the doors, clad in red and silver, holding their, ahem, "Jingleberries," all waiting for the public library to open, so that they could seek out the same thing. A Map. Specifically, a map of the great United States. You see, my friends, what was happening, every Saturday morning, the same series of thoughts went through the "minds" of Ohio State fans. It went a little this:
  1. Wake up
  2. Hooray, it's Saturday, our stuckeyes are playing!! Hooray!!
  3. Time to get dressed....wear red
  4. Now, time to go to the game. Time to go to Ohio Stadium to see our men of Ohio State University.
  5. Uh, oh. Is it possible that there is more than one state of Ohio?? Boy, geography and American History was a long time ago. Ohio was named after the Ohio River, but that River touches ALOT of states. Maybe there is ANOTHER STATE NAMED OHIO??!!??!!??
  6. Oh goodness. If there is ANOTHER State named Ohio, maybe the game is going to be played in THAT state!!
  7. I've gotta find out if there is ANOTHER state named Ohio, and if so, HOW I CAN GET THERE....FAST!!
  8. What are those things called where you can see States and such??
  9. Ahhhhhhhhh....
  10. Ummmmmmmmm...
  11. .....[waffles..........mmmmmmmmm]......
  12. uhhhhhhhhh
  13.'s coming to me now......that song, by that really smart lady on does it go...
  14. Oh yeah..."If there's a place you gotta go, I'm the one you need to know, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, If there's a place you gotta get, I can get you there I bet, I'm the Map!!"
  15. THAT'S IT!! I NEED A MAP!!
  16. Where do they keep maps??
  17. Backpack!! Backpack!!
  18. It's not working.
  19. Where else do they keep maps??
  20. Where do they have lots of paper type things.....
  21. hmmmmmmm
  22. ummmmm
  23. ahhhhhhhhh
  24. [.........what IS that smell??.......]
  25. Wait.....what were those places where I never went during my six years of high school.....
  26. OH yes....the LIBRARY!!
  27. I gotta get me to a public library and find me a map to see if there are any other OHIOs that might be having our game today!!
And yes, from there, thousand of Ohio State fans, who all went through nearly identical Saturday morning thought processes, CONVERGED on public libraries across the state, shutting down traffic and those wonder (and in Ohio, woefully underused) places of knowledge and learning.

THUS, a bill was passed in the Ohio legislature, MANDATING that from that day forward, to prevent the thousands of Ohioans who suffered identical Saturday morning confusion, OSU would forever be knows as THE Ohio State University, or tOSU for short, to make sure that Ohioans remembered, that there IS only ONE state named Ohio. Thus, yet again, Ohio public libraries went back to their unused status, and Ohio State fans had one less crisis to worry about on Saturday mornings.

[On another day, I'll recount the detailed history of why tOSU had to configure their stadium in the form of a horseshoe following a horrible tragedy when 80,000 OSU fans died of starvation and exhaustion after 13 days of walking around the former stadium, which was a traditional bowl-shape, in continuous circles, unable to understand that the exits were at the sides. The horseshoe design was implement to prevent another such tragedy, ensuring the fans would find their way out of the stadium automatically when the hit the open end.]

Monday, December 05, 2005

I am VERY happy to be playing the yuckeyes

They are the weakest team amongst the BCS teams, and, quite frankly, are the one of the weakest in Division I-A. If I were looking for a competitive game, I would be disappointed. However, I'm looking for a good, old Fashioned ROBOT STOMP, and that's exactly what were going to get. Frankly, with the possible exception of the Indianapolis Colts, I don't think there is a team that can hang with the Irish the way we're playing, with the Robot Genius at the helm. And the Colts would probably only hang around for a quarter or so until the Robot STEPPED ON THE GAS and left those horsies in his MACHINE DUST!!

The biggest problem muckpies have is they are dumb. Players...Dumb. Coaches....Dumb. Fans.....Dumb. The genius robot will run circles around them, and their miniature brains will be firing at maximum three synapses per minute, with nothing but a "ehhhhhhhhhhh" eminating from their noggins, as Irish Lads FLY past them running all kinds of CRAZY plays.

The other problem Ohio Late has is that the color red DRIVES THE ROBOT ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!! It makes him DOMINATE ALL OPPONENTS IN HIS FIELD OF VISION. He might even break out the LASER DEATH RAY against the Ohio State band, and leave the dotted "i" a STAIN OF RED BLOOD AND CHARRED FLESH ON THE FIELD DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW OUT OF SHEER ROBOT MEANNESS!! Not that the Robot doesn't have a heart of gold, which he does, but these PuckPies just bring out the NASTY CODE in his algorithms.

The other problem, of course, is Ohio Late's head coach, Jim Tressel. You all know what a tressel is, don't you?? A tressel is something that is build under a dip in the earth to provide support for tracks for ...... A CRAZY WILD ND CHOO CHOO, with CHOO CHOO GENIUS ROBOT CHARLIE WEIS AT THE HELM..... TO BUST OVER AT BREAKNECK SPEED, whilst DESTROYING ALL IN ITS PATH!!

CHOOOOOOOO CHOOOOOOOOOOO ........... Destination Desert and .... GLORY.

ND in a ROMP. I guarantee it and stake my entire reputation on it, and will gladly fight anyone who has a different take at the ASU weightroom in the basement of the FIESTA BOWL STADIUM!!

Many thinks to a Choo Choo Charlie Fan in TarHeel Land...

the first Christmas Tree ornament to adorn the Tree of a Fan of the Genius Robot...

After what Santa left under out Tree last year, we should all similarly Grace our Trees with Robots to signify out thanks to Santa, and our UNDYING APPRECIATION to the Genius for all that He has done for us.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Robot Is Currently Searching His Databases To Determine What A Buckeye is.

Thus far, his computer brain is baffled, because he thought a buck was a male deer, and thus a buck eye must be a deer's eye, yet the Ohio State Mascot appears to be a giant, well, (in keeping with the season) it rhymes with "Jingleberry," walking around on the shoulders of an otherwise normal looking human. How could they eye of a peaceful creature be the nickname of a football team, and how could it be portayed is evidence of, ahem, poor hygene. Error codes are FLYING throughout the Genius' Robot brain. It does not compute. Rick "Nuclear" Minter keeps trying to refocus the Robot on identifying weaknesses in Ohio States offensive and defensive schemes, but the Robot is obsessed with the illogal mascot and nickname. At least we've got plenty of time to get him refocused. My fear, however, is that he's going to arrive at the Fiesta Bowl with a giant pair of surgical tweezers and a big dose of Preparation H, in which case, we really ought to warn Brutus to stay away from the ND side of the field.

On the intelligence gathering front, file this under "Sometimes, they never learn." As you will recall, my spies obtain pictographical evidence of Phil Phulmer attempting to hypnotize his players into believe that he too was a Robot, a la The Genius Robot, Choo Choo Charlie Weis. As you'll recall, he did this by assuming the ROBOT ATTACK POSITION, with faux robot arms and pincer claws raised above his head, and having those around him doing the same, to try to SCARE his charges into performing better, and to try to make them believe that he was just as good a robot as Choo Choo Charlie. Well, it failed Phil, as his Giblet persperation was a dead giveaway, and UT was run off the field in tears by the MIGHTY IRISH behind the pummelling of the Genius Robot.

Well, Jim Tressel did not learn a thing. He is trying to convince his charges that he is a robot, also by assuming the ROBOT ATTACK POSITION, and having those around him do the same. See the evidence obtained by my network of spies. NEWSFLASH: It work NOT work, Jimmy Boy. No one would EVER believe that a ROBOT would wear a GIRLY SWEATER VEST, expecially UNDER another jacket!! This is ROBOTICS, not CHESS!! Jeepers. These guys have NO CHANCE against the Irish (unless we can't get the Robot Genius to move past his fixation with the Deer-eye anomoly.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Let us be thankful for the Genius Robot for a moment

If I could love a machine I would love the Genius Robot. Well, now that I think about it, I love my Geo Metro, and my microwave, and my fridge, and my TV, and my blood pressure monitor (it squeezes my arm with just the right amount of force), my back massage pad, my Nqyquil delivery system, my boombox, blaring Thin Lizzy, Shania Twain (for at one time or another, we all feel like a women -- whether we're willing to publicly admit it or not), Motley Crue, Captain and Tenniel, and of course, Charlie Parker, my automated pork slicer and, of course, my Commodore 64 from which I communicate. Then, I think, I can indeed love a machine. Thus, these are a few of the things I love about the Genius Robot:

  • At his initial press conference at ND, he wore a black suit, black shirt and a black tie, bringing back the old monochromatic look of the 1980s, which could presage a return of my hairstlye to fashion
  • He made a promise to a dying boy whom he'd never met before, and granted that wish after the boy passed away, at a time when granting the wish was contrary to the Robot's self interest. He could have kept the promise to himself and ignored it after the boy passed away. He didn't. In the words of the boy's mother, he kept his promise. He kept his word. In a world full of lies, deception, "spin" and "plausible deniabilty," this Robot gave his word and he kept it. Robots measure ethics not by what you do when the world is watching, but also what you do when no one is watching.
  • When his charges dumped a bucket of ice water on him, he could have let loose with ROBOT FURY, but he did not; rather, he trusted his creators and the silicon sealant, which held, and showed no reaction to the icy liquid.
  • NOTE TO REST OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL WORLD: The Robot has a starter get in trouble with the law early in the year (before the biggest game of the year), reportedly misdemeanor DUI. The player was immediately suspended for the remainder of the regular season, even before the "legal process" had run its course, when all there was was an allegation. The player was a starter, a fifth year senior, and the next person on the depth chart behind him was a true freshman, and behind him, was anyone's guess. Yet the player was suspended, let the chips fall where they may. I say this because the player has publicly acknowledged the situation, to his credit. The player learned a lesson, as did the entire team. The Robot will NOT do anything to win. He will try to win...but he will do so while playing by the rules, with ethics. Unlike Pee Wee Peet Carol, who not only lacks ethics, not only is ridiculously short, but also has a girl's name.
  • The Robot taught the players how to win. I will go on record here, now, today, at this moment, ...... Notre Dame will not lose another game for 10 years whilst Choo Choo Charlie is in charge.
  • The Robot answers question. Reading a transcipt of a Robot Press Conference, you can see this guy knows his stuff. He's an educator and a leader. He says what he means and means what he says. There's no dodges here. He's our own John Freaking Wayne (except (1) Choo Choo Charlie has a better undergraduate education and (2) unlike the the Duke and Pee Wee Peet, Charlie does not have a girl's name).
  • When, during one game, Scarious Darius Walker was "hurt," and the Robot said they were going to perform and "adjustment" on him at halftime, and daggummit if that Robot didnt' do just that and fix his charge and send back out.
  • The Chia pet hair
  • Turning a Top 110 offense into a Top 10 offense, with essentially the same players
  • Sending the message to the College Football World, in binary Code: "You Guys are $&^@%'d for years to come"
  • Honoring the Naval Academy and all those who put their lives on the line for freedom
  • Telling Keith Jackson to go stuff it when he asked for an on-air interview
  • Creeping out Kevin White by greeting him at the ACC everymorning with "Good morning, Hal"
  • Allowing Fr. Seetch to perform an exorcism on his house
  • Winning
  • Leading
  • Returning normalcy to the world, with ND back to being hated by the ignorant, and loved by those touched by God.
Thank you Choo Choo Charlie. And thank you Patrick.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Reliable sources indicate more SHAMEFUL information coming from USC Land

within the next six months.

You know USC That's, the team where a player publicly state that he "owns" the police (as he flees the scene of an alleged crime), where they have a criminal defense attorney alumni on virtual retainer, and where players get dealt with VERY severely by the team for criminal misconduct, unless, of course, the guilty party is within a sniff of the top of the depth chart.

USC ... the Place where football players who according to published reports, have been linked to conduct ranging from violent assaults, including assualts which broke a bone and rendered one victim unconscious, sexual assault, drug possession, solicitation, and assault with a replica firearm.

Maybe they should change their song from "Conquest" to "Convict."

The Pantheon

and, of course....