Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I've been INUNDATED with emails from Puck-Sigh fans

complaining about me calling them dumb...one Ohio Late fan even said "Oh yeah, well your dumb to." Thanks for the responses, Buck-Thighs. One common thread in many of the emails was calling me out for referring to them as "Ohio State" or OSU. They all kept saying we're THE Ohio State University, tOSU for short. I must say, this threw me for a bit. I could not understand why the definitive article, "the," which is normally used to signify that what follows is unique within a set, is used to introduce Ohio State University. It did not seem necessary to me.

Well, I did a little research, and here is what I learned. Apparently, a long, long time ago, like 40 years ago, Ohio State actually fielded a competitive football squad. It seems wild today to think that is possible, but yes, it's true. Well, back in the day, football was important on Saturdays in Ohio, you know, before Euchre took over the state. Anyway, back then, apparently every Saturday morning, there was a huge rush, of tens of the thousands of Ohioans, SWARMING their local public libraries. Thousands upon thousands, lines out the doors, clad in red and silver, holding their, ahem, "Jingleberries," all waiting for the public library to open, so that they could seek out the same thing. A Map. Specifically, a map of the great United States. You see, my friends, what was happening, every Saturday morning, the same series of thoughts went through the "minds" of Ohio State fans. It went a little something...like this:
  1. Wake up
  2. Hooray, it's Saturday, our stuckeyes are playing!! Hooray!!
  3. Time to get dressed....wear red
  4. Now, time to go to the game. Time to go to Ohio Stadium to see our men of Ohio State University.
  5. Uh, oh. Is it possible that there is more than one state of Ohio?? Boy, geography and American History was a long time ago. Ohio was named after the Ohio River, but that River touches ALOT of states. Maybe there is ANOTHER STATE NAMED OHIO??!!??!!??
  6. Oh goodness. If there is ANOTHER State named Ohio, maybe the game is going to be played in THAT state!!
  7. I've gotta find out if there is ANOTHER state named Ohio, and if so, HOW I CAN GET THERE....FAST!!
  8. What are those things called where you can see States and such??
  9. Ahhhhhhhhh....
  10. Ummmmmmmmm...
  11. .....[waffles..........mmmmmmmmm]......
  12. uhhhhhhhhh
  13. Wait.....it's coming to me now......that song, by that really smart lady on TV...how does it go...
  14. Oh yeah..."If there's a place you gotta go, I'm the one you need to know, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, If there's a place you gotta get, I can get you there I bet, I'm the Map!!"
  15. THAT'S IT!! I NEED A MAP!!
  16. Where do they keep maps??
  17. Backpack!! Backpack!!
  18. It's not working.
  19. Where else do they keep maps??
  20. Where do they have lots of paper type things.....
  21. hmmmmmmm
  22. ummmmm
  23. ahhhhhhhhh
  24. [.........what IS that smell??.......]
  25. Wait.....what were those places where I never went during my six years of high school.....
  26. OH yes....the LIBRARY!!
  27. I gotta get me to a public library and find me a map to see if there are any other OHIOs that might be having our game today!!
And yes, from there, thousand of Ohio State fans, who all went through nearly identical Saturday morning thought processes, CONVERGED on public libraries across the state, shutting down traffic and those wonder (and in Ohio, woefully underused) places of knowledge and learning.

THUS, a bill was passed in the Ohio legislature, MANDATING that from that day forward, to prevent the thousands of Ohioans who suffered identical Saturday morning confusion, OSU would forever be knows as THE Ohio State University, or tOSU for short, to make sure that Ohioans remembered, that there IS only ONE state named Ohio. Thus, yet again, Ohio public libraries went back to their unused status, and Ohio State fans had one less crisis to worry about on Saturday mornings.

[On another day, I'll recount the detailed history of why tOSU had to configure their stadium in the form of a horseshoe following a horrible tragedy when 80,000 OSU fans died of starvation and exhaustion after 13 days of walking around the former stadium, which was a traditional bowl-shape, in continuous circles, unable to understand that the exits were at the sides. The horseshoe design was implement to prevent another such tragedy, ensuring the fans would find their way out of the stadium automatically when the hit the open end.]

12 Comments:

At 8:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

They better not try to go to the libraries now. Grandma lives in rural Ohio, near Akron, apparently her local library didn't get a budget from the state, so no new books until maybe sometime next year. If then.

 
At 9:46 PM , Anonymous nd1990 said...

what a waste of words...

 
At 11:24 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marco, you're a genius. Not a genius robot, but you're still good.

 
At 7:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

notre dame still sucks...they will get rolled by OSU

 
At 7:35 PM , Anonymous Luis said...

just hilarious...this is "the" shiiiite...

 
At 10:18 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does the genius robot have any thoughts on the administration's sloppy handling of the Fiesta Bowl ticket lottery?

If the genius robot ran things, I'm sure everybody would get to go.

 
At 2:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

AMAZING!!! GO IRISH BEAT BUCKEYES!!!

 
At 5:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is retarded...Puck-Sigh? Ohio Late? Buck-Thighs? Very clever. Oh yeah, Ohio State fielded a competitive football squad 40 years ago. That's why they've been to three BCS Bowls in the past four years, including one national championship. Notre Dame hasn't been relevant since the late 80s. You're trying too hard Marco, you're trying too hard. All you Notre Dame faithful will see what it's like to play against a REAL defense. Guns don't kill people...AJ Hawk kills people.

 
At 6:49 PM , Anonymous GO IRISH! said...

Put this in stone, Puck-Eye fans...on January 2nd, 2006, the Puck-Eye defense will be EXPOSED!!! And God will be happy! GLORY and MEOW!

 
At 8:49 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Akron's not rural! We have traffic lights, a post office and a coupla see-ment ponds as well. Yes, I'm from Akron,Ohio and I DESPISE ohio state scmuckeyes with a passion. GO IRISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 6:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also live within these damn borders of the state, there are so many Buck fans it's crazy, they don't know anything about football, or tradition, or the meaning of football team that isn't tried for NCAA violations.
GO IRISH!

 
At 11:29 AM , Anonymous Bowden said...

In South Bend, math must not be a strong point. "Well, I did a little research, and here is what I learned. Apparently, a long, long time ago, like 40 years ago, Ohio State actually fielded a competitive football squad"

I guess you did very little research. 2006-2002 (National Title year, you ND fans may remember those) is 4 years (3 seasons). Also your ability to rhyme with "buck" is really funny (sarcasm). Enjoy your fish.

 

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