My concerns heading into the season....

(1) The Mesh Jerseys worn during the "summer" games will be too paltry to hold the BULGING MUSCULATURE of the GENTLEMEN WARRIOR PRINCES, leaving them clad in BRUCE BANNER SHREDS by the end of the first quarter, and leaving the ladies in the stadium swooning, causing a baccaulaurate/isle of lesbos type thing. Well, maybe that isn't really so much as a concern.

(2) So much freaking speed on the field for ND that Officer Tim McCarthey starts writing speeding tickets on our WRs

(3) The odor of Roast Tiller filling the air during a 104-0 ND blowout of Poordoo causing a luau to spontaneously breakout, and Tiny Bubbles BLARING from the Scoreboard. RUDIO, Braugh!!

(4) Our new kicker's leg disengaging at the hip and FLYING OFF INTO THE NET following his 15th PAT versus Penn State, with blood spurting all over the holder.

(5) Joe Paterno humping a pylon (with me inside).

(6) Me being strangely attracted to Llloyd Carrs Mannaries.

(7) Bo Scumbeckler deciding, after yet another humiliation of the tangerines at the hands of the Mighty Irish, that he REALLY doesn't need ND and launches a one man war against North Dakota, who as a result secedes from the Union, and the rest of the country lets them go and annexes Dennis Hopper as a replacement state.

(8) That Ohio State fans will continue to stink up America.

(9) More Al Quaeda grass ATTACKS poor, unsuspecting USC players, leaving the Trojans AFRAID OF ALL THINGS GREEN, causing a virtual PANIC ATTACK amongs the NFL agents roaming the sidelines at Edward Jones Practice Field.

(10) Despite being respectful and gallant, the ND lads so thoroughly DOMINATE that Navy Midshipmen, that Rummy Rumsfeld, in a fit of pique from standing for too long, orders the North Atlantic Fleet to OPEN FIRE on the Notre Dame sideline in Baltimore, causing the GENIUS ROBOT to unleash his personal STAR WARS DEFENSE against incoming missiles .... Zibby and the Duke hurtling themselves throught the air, knocking ordinance this way and that, protecting the Irish like a GLORIOUS SHIELD!!

(11) Young Notre Dame fans lose the ability to calculate in a base ten system, understanding only a base seven system.

(12) if Mo Claret gets loose, all of Ohio will be forced to wear red bullet proof vests like Dandy Jim Tressel.

(13) Notre Dame so thoroughly dominates all of college football that the NCAA outlaws its name, finding the use of the word "Dame" to be insensitive to women.

(14) Notre Dame beats Michigan State to such a pulp that its coach has to formally change his name to one less unique to avoid prank calls from Big Head Sparty.

(15) ND's success willl cause Mike Tirico to start sexually harrassing Joe Theismann (calling him Joe "ThighsMan") ... and Joe will let Tirico get to second base.

(16) A midseason cage match combo football baseball game between the Mighty Irish and the Mighty Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, both God's chosen teams, could result in injuries a la the grudge match between Rocky Balboa and Thunderlips in RIII.

(17) Following a season in which ND is unscored upon, ND coeds go for a similar streak.